I’ve retreated to my Goan hut house for the day. It’s much too hot outside. The persistent shrieks of the crows continue to add depth to my choice of Moby’s music, which I’m hoping will help to rest my spirit.
Today I feel like I’ve lost something. It doesn’t matter what it is…some things you just cannot explain. But it is lost and my heart feels it…a shifting Universe, change…catastrophic transformation.

I’ve had to bring all my strength and courage to this moment of realization, nothing is in our control.
Hasn’t sacrifice always been a part of the cost to follow a life dedicated to God? But religions and cults have always chosen to enforce rules and control ‘man’, relieving many from following their highest path.

“Because God came to Earth to demonstrate His power to us. We are a part of His dream, and he wants His dream to be a happy one. Thus, if we acknowledge that God created us for happiness then we have to assume that everything that leads to sadness and defeat is our own doing. That’s the reason we always kill God, whether on the cross, by fire, through exiles, or simply in our hearts.”

“But those who understand Him…”

“They are the ones who transform the world – while making great sacrifices.”

Excerpt from the book: By the River Piedra I sat down and wept – Paulo Coelho

From a young age I was involved in the Catholic Mass. I fought with my mother most Sundays about the boredom I experienced in this male dominant tradition. Prostrating with all my guilt before ‘Our Lord’. When I returned from a working holiday in Israel I felt compelled to offer my life to God at a charismatic Christian church and got involved in bible study and cell groups fanatically wanting to know more about the wonderful Father that loved me. Even though I felt rejected as a teenager I loved deeply and never blamed God for my failures. I asked Him for someone to love me and thanked Him for everything I’d not yet received. When my daughter was born I was already condemned away from the love of church, an ignorant and selfish congregation that advised me to abandon a baby who had already lost a father two months after conception. I was alone, but I still dedicated her to Him.

In all the years that have followed I’ve never put emphasis on the gift and importance of motherhood. A mother knows what sacrifice is. Mothers continue to give up their own dreams to bring perfection into this world. I should have had a better relationship with my own mother knowing now what she had sacrificed and the pain she went through but I was young, ignorant, unaware.

It has been a challenging, rewarding and emotionally overwhelming experience to have a puppy travelling with me these past two weeks. She trusts me, walks by my side, hides between my feet when she’s scared and lies with me at night. Warm licks and cuddles have given me fleeting moments of happy memories from the days when my baby needed all my love and attention. And, I’ve thought back to the memories of our small family. One who’s father was only present in the faith of God.

I’m crying for my Grand Mother, my elephant. I want to ask her so many questions. She knew Him and spoke to Him all the time. She had so much faith and kept encouraging me to have an intimate relationship with Him. Now that she is gone I know she is a part of the Divine Mother, the one who has been guiding me, sending me messages and helping me. Someone not of this world, but when she was her communion with God was incomprehensible. She was vivacious and naïve with love for Him and often misunderstood by those who were religious not spiritual.

The coincidental alignment of messages through circumstances and events have been uncanny. I forget about her guidance in moments of acceptable human weakness but today it doesn’t make me feel any better because I am depressed.

“Here in Goa I can find her, the presence of the feminine power of God. Made golden brown by heat and sun she feels younger and is forgiven when she reflects on the power of God every time she sees a cross, a Catholic Church, alters and iconic remembrances everywhere. I’ve tried to feel stronger here but I have been giving too much energy to helping and healing others. I have been selfish to her but she also hasn’t wanted to focus on herself too much because it’s too emotional. She is walking the dog, for now. *I am her Other.”

(*inspired to write a book)

I have always had Him with me. Even when we didn’t speak to each other He was there. But, now She is here too. A beautiful incarnation of God, the Divine Mother, in everything, in me. I want to keep tying her silver threads together until I am completely consumed in her grace.

I don’t know what is going to happen, this year, this life, after life. I don’t know what’s real or true to anyone else but myself. We are alone in our reality. But there is a thread that holds this all together. When enough of us connect this way can we really change the world, can we evolve? Can we throw away conditioning, attitudes, perceptions, assumptions? Can we say “God bless you” to a stranger and start conversations with smiles and hugs? Can we understand the force that guides each one of us to a higher destiny, Truth? A life from a Mother and a Father who loves us. If God was man with a capacity to love the whole world unconditionally then the magnitude of a feminine God is enough to shift space and time to make the impossible possible.

She is fluid, the moon and the water. He is the Sun.

Remember how we used to chant, “love makes the world go round” …I haven’t heard this phrase for a very long time. The love between the sun and the moon is the truest example of an infinite plan to heal, regenerate and restore Earth, us. We the humans are guests of this planet, we have been offered the gift of a simple life. To inhabit a space for a length of time. To live in peace with everything around us, and to love without rules and conditions. Everything we have ever needed was given to us before our time here, Mother Earth is giving and resourceful. All we need to do is ‘just love’.

I’ve had very few female friendships that have been true expressions of love between women and lasted. However, since my journey back to India started in October last year (I arrived coincidentally on the first day of Navratri, the celebrations of the incarnation of the Divine Mother) She has shown me otherwise and put many courageous and strong women in my path, just to remind me, She is also present and powerful. She has filled me with hope.

Namaste