Cape Town to Mumbai…lost between two countries…
From the beginning India was explosive. Every experience in India from my first visit in 2013 has tested and pulled at logic and heart strings. Now, after our third trip in two years which was an extended 5 months we have been back in Cape Town for four and looking in bewilderment at how quickly time has passed.
Facing 2016 around a tornado of activity has forced me into a very quiet and reflective state. After an emotional block this is the first time in over 5 months that I have sat in front of my computer to write and hope to use the opportunity to uncover some of my journey and our accomplishments which have been suppressed by overindulging in negative thoughts.
“I thought I was stronger than this.”
My faith in self had been limitless until I began to build protective barriers around me to absolve or suppress the pain of disappointment, fear and failure. I once wrote an article about detachment explaining the process and highlighting the need for ones intention to be honest when working through this process but my distance from everything around me once we were back in Cape Town only fed depression and I was inevitably not happy. I just could not continue as I had before…too much energy, too much information, too much work, too much stress, too much of everything! The hamster wheel we had spoken of before we left in March was like an invisible UFO hovering overhead waiting to beam me up.
I have been considering the difference and weight between change and transformation and how many of us wish and will for both of these things in different areas of our lives. There are usually many things that need to change before the transformation process can happen and it’s easy for us to think that change is transformational when in actual fact it isn’t. Within change we can easily fall back and make excuses for past habits to reappear. For me absolute transformation would be to live my life completely and wholely as a yogi. I may only ever reach this state of being later in life or not at all. As a Karma Yogi I am susceptible to living ‘normally’ to place myself in situations where I may be needed. That is a test in itself as I engage with those less likely to understand my sacrifice. Perhaps I should rephrase that word ‘sacrifice’ by using the word ‘gift’ instead, which should elevate my own understanding. Choosing change in the smallest ways will have certain effects which will beat against my will and contradict the norms in which I grew up. Change for me means slowing down, being aware of what takes too much of my energy and finding ways to rearrange my time to meditate, immerse myself in a daily practice, research and writing. These things are just as important to all of us, to bring us back to a unique sense of self and a richer and more rewarding sense of reality, one that encompasses our environment, nature and the community around us.
Like the rippling effect of a stone thrown into water we have no idea what our thoughts and intentions may reveal or how our actions may inspire or affect others but we can be assured that change is in process all the time and it requires our earnest captainship to steer our soul on its destiny path.
There would be no sentimentalities when leaving here but there’s still an unfortunate burden that would bear on any human soul when subjected to ‘sightseeing’ such impoverished conditions. It does get easier to absorb the obscenities, something our minds aren’t used to having to deal with on a daily basis. It doesn’t become the norm in one’s life but whilst you are in India you are constantly reminded of how fragile we are and can begin to accept the true nature of humankind, our pain and suffering. Within these hardships one experiences mourning, the 5 stages and the many layers of denial and acceptance one can begin to appreciate in the process of letting go. Our response to these things just proves how much we value human life, of those we know and don’t know, how helpless we feel and the effect that helplessness has on our psyche…I have cried many tears over this…
Throughout each stage, a common thread of hope emerges:
As long as there is life, there is hope. As long as there is hope, there is life.